Welcome to Balanced Parenting.com

Remember the old adage "Silence is Golden"? In our discussion of sibling love and rivalry, remember that keeping quiet is a very useful tool to keep close at hand.

Also, with Valentine's Day coming in a couple of weeks, it's a great time to remember to express your values of "family love" not only to your sweetie, but also to your kids.

Wishing you balance,

Bette

Brothers and Sisters: To Love and Hate Simultaneously

I decided to write about sibling relationships for this newsletter because I have had many inquiries about this subject in the past few weeks, (not to mention that I live with it every day!)

Something that many parents have never considered, is that parents should stay out of their kids' squabbles whenever possible because it is not their relationship. The kids are forging their own relationships and learning the limitations of those relationships. When we intervene every time they argue, fight or engage with each other, we are robbing them of the opportunity to learn within this most-valuable relationship.

Siblings teach each other so many things that we often don't realize. For example, kids learn the concept of unconditional love from their sibs. Think about it, they can be screaming and fighting with each other one minute and begging to play together the next. What other relationships enjoy that kind of flexibility?

Kids also learn compassion from living together. When one child is struggling in some way (illness, disability, challenges, etc...) the other kids are watching, absorbing and hopefully stepping in to be helpful when possible. If you want to cultivate even more of this compassion, you can point out the opportunities and things that might be helpful to encourage the kindness.

Kids also learn about conflict resolution from fighting with their siblings. When kids are very young, they need our guidance to teach them about taking turns, waiting patiently, and about compromising. Once they've had sufficient time to learn these skills (that means lots of repetition of different conflict resolution skills), we need to then leave the kids alone to figure things out.

Having 3 kids of my own, I know how unnerving the fighting can be and how mean they can get with each other. Of course, it is still our job to protect our kids from danger, but it is best to remain uninvolved in their conflicts. Here are a few tips for staying out of the middle while still guiding them and keeping them safe:

Don't assume you know who started the fight - you might be wrong!
Don't point fingers or blame. If you're wrong, you will cause both kids to distrust you.
Make global observations, such as "I can see you two having a hard time playing together." or "I see you two are struggling to agree about playing with that toy."
Give them a chance to settle it themselves or ask if they'd like your help. This is showing great respect for their relationship.
Separate them into different rooms if they aren't being respectful - without blaming one or the other.
Set limits around disrespectful behavior (i.e., hitting, screaming, etc...) without blaming. Infuse your values and give options for choices you would prefer the next time. For example, "If you didn't like when your brother did that, what could you say to him next time instead of using your hands?"